It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
