I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
