Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
