We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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