Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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