i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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