Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
