you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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