I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
