My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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