whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize