He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You pole danced in your parka.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
