I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
