I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
