Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
