I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
