when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
