Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Mom said you looked used
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
