My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I seem to have left my pride at pride
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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