We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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