he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize