how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
