A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
