i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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