Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
