he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize