I wish I only lived at night.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
