I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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