my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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