toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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