smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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