Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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