just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
