They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You ate ashes out of my bong
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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