I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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