All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
