Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
