you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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