Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
