Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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