Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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