just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
