why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
