I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its liver damage thursday
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