My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
