he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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