that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
