I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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