shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Mom said you looked used
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
