what day is it and did you see me today?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My vagina is very pro this idea
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