If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
