It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
