I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
