he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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