i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
