I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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