just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
smell my finger.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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