Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
