I'll bet she douches with gravy.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
