I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I will be naked everywhere
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
