As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize