bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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